We went to the Dr.

Wednesday we went to see the surgeon. After doing the proctoscope he said things were looking pretty good. He still wont commit to anything so I still am not at ease, but I am trying to be positive and push all of the what if's away. I have always een a constant worrier and it has gotten so much worse these days.
So surgery for the Low Anterior and the Illiostomy ( this is like a colostomy bag ) is set for the 29th of June. He will be in the hospital for week or so. About 4 weeks after surgery he will begin the chemotherapy again. And about 3 months or so he will have the illiostomy reversed. The section of colon and rectum that is being removed will go to pathology and the report from the results will be back in 5-6 days after the surgery. At that time we will find out the stage and what we are up against from sure. Part of me wants to know and part of me is like nope, as long as he is doing ok I don't need to know... but anyone that does know me knows that I don't work that way... I need to know everything....
So until the 29th he can do whatever he wants and just forget about everything...
So, that's what I am going to attempt to do...
Love to all <3...

It's getting closer...

Last night was a very bad night, did alot of crying, alot of feeling sorry for what may or may not happen... Bottom line here is I can not do anything to change anything... as much as I want to i realize all of this is so far out of my hands. I would erase it all if I could but the reality like it or not I can do nothing, nothing at all!!! I know life will change for my hubby, and for me as well, we have been through lots of ups & downs and will probable have many more to come. I wish things were different I wish it with all of my heart, but I can not change a thing...
Anyone that knows me at all knows that I am the type of person that feels like i need all of my ducks in a row and when they r not i am rather freaked out by that.
But I will get through this and so will my DH... We have to!!!
More to come... Thanks for allowing me the vent time... LOVE TO ALL <3

Just feelings...

Can I speak honestly with you, Hell, I don't even know who you are if there is a you...
I am scared to death... the man I have spent the biggest part of my life with is sick, he has rectal cancer.
Before i start I want to make one thing perfectly clear... This isn't about me but rather about my feelings concerning the circumstances surrounding me...
Ok, I know it is one of the most curable cancers, but it doesn't make any difference to me, as, I am afraid. I have tried to speak candidly with my sons, they don't want to hear what I feel, they tell me to "be optimistic", "I don't want to think about it", or simply just doesn't come around. See, the thing is, I am so afraid...
I know it shoulda been me n not him and i am not saying this in a pathetic way but in a metaphoric way because he is the better of the 2 of us. He has so many that care about him... I have no one but him n the boys and frankly they'd be ok if it were me, but he is so close to them, he does so much for & with them, me I am in their way, it has been said the I am "crazy, nosy,one that was never around and i am sure many other things...
BUT, he is a great man!! I am so lucky he choose me. I ask myself all the time why he would have wanted me... I can't come up with a single reason.
BUT him, he is a great man! He does everything for me... I mean everything. He has provided so many things that I would never have ever had, he takes care me in every way possible. He has made so many sacrifices and I doubt that I have ever sacrificed a thing.
I just don't know what to do to stop thinking about things...
Maybe the guys are right and I am crazy,
BUT I am a scared to pieces crazy wife n mother.
The reason my sons and their families think I am crazy or nosy is simply I care n love each of them more than my own life. I mean that ...
I tried to work hard n give them the work ethic that I thought would be a good example for them to follow and be proud of. Instead, I worked n missed them growing up...I can't turn time back n so I ask them whatcha doin , or where ya goin, not because I really want to know I am just trying to be part of their lives and to them that is nosy... I can't win...
So, I try not to ask anymore... then I feel like I don't care... BUT, I sure do care!!!
My husband has just finished his chemo n radiation a few weeks ago, he is feeling great, he is going to have to have surgery and will have an illiostomy for a few months and that's ok... I don't care as long as I have him, I love him with all of my heart n soul, for richer , for poorer, in sickness & health...
he has always been there for me n now it's my turn to give back what he has done for me... believe me it has been so very much! I would take my last breath if that meant he would be ok...
I know in my heart he is going to be fine, I know this... but the deal is this, he had many tests done & they were all inconclusive for this tumor to be staged, so I can't rest until I know it didn't penetrate the rectal wall or involve the nodes.
When I know it didn't do either of these things then I will be able to breath and plan our future together for the next bazillion years. We have never had a chance to live together without any kids, not ever, we had our first son when we were still at my mothers, we were remodeling our 1st home, from then on we have always had one of our sons here. I love having them, but I am looking so forward to us starting our lives together and growing old together, watching our children and their children grow old...
So, out of all of this I am so afraid... I am really afraid... because the man I love is sick...
Thanks for allowing me to vent for a few moments... Love to all <3

Wanting to do some scrapbooking....

Yesterday I went to a girls afternoon out. I did a page before leaving to go home to be with my hubby. As I have said he has cancer. He will likely be ok but there is that thought in the back of my mind that things may not end well. I pray that it will and in my heart I am sure he will be. The way I see it he can not escape the cancer, he doesn't get An afternoon away from it so I feel very guilty when I get to "get away" so I rarely leave his side I will be there through it all. I may not like some aspects of it but like it or not I will be right here for him. I said in sickness & in health so those words mean something to me and I will do whatever to honor those few little words. I have been with him for 30+ years and plan on many more. This is just a little hiccup for us to get through.
I do miss scrapbooking but to be honest I really was having a hard time getting into the swing of it. I have so many pages to do to get caught up on but there will be time for that later... be time later I guess... Marisa is young and I should be able to stay close to her events... Lol, at least I hope anyway! I will try to upload my page ... I have been trying to put things upnand have had trouble but I will keep trying. Love to all...

So much has happened in the past few months...

Since I have been on last so many things have been going on...
Feb. 10th my husband went in for a routine colonoscopy... the Dr. came out after and I expected him to tell me everything was fine and he'd see us next time... well that was not what happened at all. My worst fears came true... he found a TUMOR in the rectum. It's about 10-15 cm up inside the rectum. We were schedule for a battery of diagnostic aids to try to stage the tumor. All were inconclusive... the tumor is situated in such a way they were not able to visualize the wall to see if it had penetrated through that wall. So, he is currently going through chemo & radiation to shrink the size of the tumor so that when the surgeon does the low anterior bowel resection it will be easier to get at it with the size significantly reduced.
Soooo, he is now into the 3rd week of treatment, he has 2 more weeks of chemo and 3 weeks of radiation. After the Surgeon and the chemo/radiation Dr. will decide when the surgery will be done... We are on just a wait n see day by day until the treatments are completed.
I pray every single day that he will be ok and we will be able to move forward and continue on with all of our plans for our future...
But for now.... we wait....

 

2011.... Can you believe it...

Well it is now officially 2011!! What I wonder is where the heck has the time gone. Seems like yesterday I was still in high school & that was back in the "70"s. Then I got married & started my family... that was in the "80"s. Sent my sons off to school watch them grow & become wonderful young men. Now I have a wonderful grand daughter from my oldest. My second son is married, starting his own family doesn't leave time for us. My youngest son is in college & will be graduating next year. Myself & my husband are home together everyday being that he is retired and I can no longer do my job as a surgical tech due to a back injury. We are thinking about going to Florida in the winter months. I find every year it gets harder to deal with the cold weather.
I was ask what my new years resolution was going to be this year... well my answer to that is... I refuse to make one because I never can stick to it. I figure that if I just do the right thing everyday and am accountable for my actions that would be the best resolution for me because I know that is something I can actually stick to.
My shoulder is doing better everyday... had I known how bad this was going to be I wouldn't have done it ... it has been by far the worst thing ever... having a baby was way easier!!! It still aches and is uncomfortable but each day it gets a little easier.
Well enough for today... chat again later...

What I am Thankful For...

I made it through surgery just fine. I confess it is way worse than I thought it would be! The pain is really testing me. Meaning I have a rather hard time keeping myself from going over the edge. As you can see I am looking a little pathetic in the picture. M son Louie & his wife brought me this adorable little stuffed bear. It really brightened my day!
Now I am at home , I guess I am doing fine but I have to say that the simplest of movements create an awful lot of pain. My DH is doing his best but I feel sorry for him... I am a really bad patient! The healing/recovery is going to long & hard but... I will Survive.
Now on to a better subject... Thanksgiving...
Well for some strange reason I can't get my pictures to load...
Anyway I am thankful for so many things... Family & the strength you get from having strong bonds to get you through anything.
I am thankful to have had an amazig mother that taught me to be the person I am today.
I am thankful for all of us to have our heath and our closeness.
  I am thankful for Dort (my sister~in~law) we went to her house for Thanksgiving dinner ... it was perfect!!! she prepared a meal fit for royalty, thanks Dort it was wonderful!!! I will post pictures later... I will chat more later as I need to go and rest... Love to all!!!

1 Day and counting...

I had my Dr. apt. on Wed. last week with the specialist taking care of my arm/shoulder. Last year in Dec. I fell and injured my arm. I broke it to be honest and in the process I also injured my shoulder. As a result I will be having shoulder reconstruction on Tues. the 23rd of November. I know... 2 days before Thanksgiving, are you crazy? Well here's the skinny. His schedule is pretty booked and I took what they gave me. I would have loved not to have to have any surgery at all! I did physical therapy and had the steroid injection, but sadly I report that it didn't do much for me. I figure it isn't going to really matter when, not much going on anyway. I just want it to feel better!!!
I got into a cleaning frenzy yesterday and moved the furniture in my bedroom(with the help of my DH)... it looks so roomy... I wanted it to be fresh and new since the next little while I will be spending the majority in here.
Tomorrow I am going to finish up a few last min. odds n ends and by then the big day will be here...
I am hoping to be able too do a few posts while I am recovering but I guess it will depend on how well I manage to  manouver the keyboard with just 1 hand to type with, so... if I am not here for a while I will be back in a month or so.
Have a Blessed Holiday!!!Mawhhhh!!!

W.I.N.O.S....(Women In Need Of Something) Outing 11-15-10

Ahhhhhh, I have decided today is a day for pure relaxation... I had a very busy and wonderful day with my 4 BFF'S. We had lunch, followed by a trip to a local winery. We chatted about so many things, laughed and had such a wonderful time!!!We try to get together every month or so to enjoy each others company and catch up on each of our lives. We laugh, and cry together and it feels so good to know we have each other... I love our outings and alway look forward to the next one!!!
Ta-Ta... I am off to my Grand~Daughters Graduation from "D.A.R.E." TTYL Peeps!!!

Sitting here....

Hmmm, I am sitting here helping my Grand~Daughter do her homework and I have to confess that I don't think I ever had the homework that she does. She is in the fifth grade and she has at least 2+ hrs. every night. I am not sure who it is harder on me or her. I at times feel like a total "tard"... meaning it is way harder than a fifth grader should have!!!

I am about 99.5 % ready for the big GIRLS week end. Every year we go to a hotel for the week end to scrapbook. We go on Friday and are there through Sunday. This year my niece is coming from Florida and she is bringing a few friends with her. I think we are all going to have a marvelous time together!!  I will try to post some pics from the week end. FUN FUN.... Talk to everyone soon!!!

Saying Good Bye is never easy...

Tonight was the last night for a local business after serving the community for more than 88 years. I went for 1 last drink and to see some friends I have not seen in years. It was nice to see them and catch up a little. There was standing room only and I am sure they way past the capacity allowed but no one seemed to care. There was a band and actually it was not to bad.
My Hubby and I stayed for about an hour and we decided to leave and come home.
As I stood there I was remembering all the times I had spent at "The Schutz" it's a local restaurant / bar. Every Fri. night I would go there with my friends after football games. If you could take a walk back through the streets of "The Ridge" it would be priceless... So many great memories have been shared on those streets.
I meet my Hubby at this place of many Fri. nights. After 30 years we are still together and so it was only right for us to go one last time to say our good bye to "The Schutz"
Some things change but it will still be a place of many memories!!!
Good Bye Anschutz Cafe & Bar..... I will never forget the time we shared!!!!!

It's National Breast Cancer "Be Aware" Week

Breast Cancer Awareness Month is upon us and I thought it was only fitting to post something to help the cause.

For those of you that don't know I am an active advocate of "Relay For Life". Last summer I went to a few of them with my sister~in~law to support her as a 3 time SURVIVOR. She endured Breast Cancer twice and Cervical Cancer. Not only has she battled herself she had to battle along side her daughter, age 30 and the mother of 4 young sons. Sadly I tell you that my niece lost her battle last Dec. So I truly do honor my sister~in~law... to me she is a Hero on so many levels. So I thought it would be nice to share this information with everyone so maybe help just 1 person so that early prevention might just save a life.

 

 

 

1. Know your risk

•Talk to your family to learn about your family health history

•Talk to your provider about your personal risk of breast cancer

2. Get screened

•Ask your doctor which screening tests are right for you if you are at a higher risk

•Have a mammogram every year starting at age 40 if you are at average risk

•Have a clinical breast exam at least every 3 years starting at 20, and every year starting at 40

3. Know what is normal for you

See your health care provider right away if you notice any of these breast changes:

•Lump, hard knot or thickening

•Swelling, warmth, redness or darkening

•Change in the size or shape of the breast

•Dimpling or puckering of the skin

•Itchy, scaly sore or rash on the nipple

•Pulling in of your nipple or other parts of the breast

•Nipple discharge that starts suddenly

•New pain in one spot that doesn’t go away

4. Make healthy lifestyle choices

•Maintain a healthy weight

•Add exercise into your routine

•Limit alcohol intake

(reference: www.komen.org)

Altered Clipboard Using The "Happy Toether" Line By Fancy Pants...

I love making altered projects. I found this on the "Fancy Pants" site and had to make it. I  thought I'd share it as some of you might want to make one also...

Here are the basic instructions to make one for yourself."

Fancy Pants Supplies:
Happy Together: Forever
Happy Together: Strips
Happy Together: Make me Smile
Happy Together: Cheerful
Happy Together: Element Stickers
Happy Together: Journal Book
Happy Together: Buttons & Brads
Happy Together: Ribbons & Trim
Other Supplies: clipboard, digital photo frames, brown ink, brown pen



1. Cover clipboard base with "Cheerful" (cream/brown dot). Trim edges, sand and ink with brown ink.
2. Cut a piece of "Forever" (blue damask) to 8" x 9". Adhere to clipboard about 1 1/4" from the top and centered horizontally. Use a brown pen and a ruler to make faux stitch marks around top and sides (bottom will be covered).
3. Cut out brown zig zag strip from "Strips" paper. Adhere 1/2" from bottom and trim off excess.
4. Add Scalloped border sticker from Elements Stickers to the bottom of brown strip. Add "Moments" page tab sticker to left side of border sticker as shown.
5. Add strip of 3 photos to scalloped edge journal page. Adhere to page as shown. Add heart stickers and large brown brad at top.
6. Add strip of 2 photos to scalloped circle journal page and adhere to page as shown. Add small flower sticker with small blue brad to top of photos. However,I wanted to fit a number of photos on it so I resized them to 2.5" wide and used a digital frame on each one to resemble a negative strip.
7.Mat "Life is Good" sticker onto "Make Me Smile" (Brown side) and cut around. Add to page with pop dots as shown.


8. Finish clipboard with a large brown brad in lower right corner and a bow from ivory ribbon at the top.

What a windy day...

Gosh, we have had some crazy high winds today... felt like I should be out looking for Toto...
I am so excited... I finally have decided to buy the Cricut Gypsy... for those of you that do not know what it is, well it is just another thing to create beautiful pages. I started out with the smallest Cricut that my niece and I bought together and boy it sure didn't take me long to find that when the Expression came along that I was going to have to have it. I went on to buying the Jukebox and the design studio shortly after the Expression. Then in Sept. Provo Craft came out with the newest version of the Cricut... The Imagine... guess what I had to have that one too. I actually got it for my Birthday. So Happy!!! I have decided to get the Gypsy for convenience sake. I love the versatility of it and yup... it's on it's way to me as I type.
I can't wait to play with it... :)
I am looking for a special cartridge called Pink Journey... it is a cancer awareness one. I want to be able to use it for our booth at the Relay's For Life. I want to do some page kits and sell them at our booth for fundraisers. If anyone knows where I can get one please let me know...

Well it's getting pretty late so I will talk to you later... Love to all...

Here's a chance to winn something amazing!!

Say what? A giveaway today??!

I am so glad you stopped by the blog today...because today is a {very special day}!

Why you ask? 

Because it's Wednesday. And we have an awesome giveaway today!

Do you remember when I gave you this sneak peek?

I asked you to give me your best guess as to what this new product was. Everyone was {hoping} that it was 12x24 stack of adhesive paper....guess what.

You were right!!!

We have changed the packaging a bit but the product is the same. You will get a 36 sheet stack of 12x24 paper...12 sheets solid cardstock, 12 sheets printed cardstock, 12 sheets solid glitter cardstock...and all of it ADHESIVE!!! It will be in your Joanns stores and the retail prices is about $40. Perfect for using in the Cricut & E-clips machines with the mega cutting mats!

Here is my machine with a gorgeous piece of glitter cardstock....ready to cut a cute halloween box.

On the new cartridges, the offer awesome boxes to cut out....but unless you want a teeny tiny box, this is where the 12x24 paper comes in handy.

                          

Even though the cardstock is adhesive, you don't have to peel the backing off! If you leave the back on like I did for this box, it gives you an even heavier piece of cardstock perfect for boxes like these.

Can you believe the Cricut cut out these tiny little spiders....1/2 inch tall! Wow. 

Do you want to get your hands on this awesome product RIGHT NOW before it hits the store shelves?

Here is how you can win:

1. Post a comment on this blog post telling me which Halloween candy is your biggest weakness. 

(Almond Joys for this blonde :)
2. Become a follower of this blog (leave a separate blog post telling me this)
3. "Subscribe" to our blog (leave a separate blog post telling me this.)

4. Share my giveaway on your blog/social media site 

(leave a separate blog post telling me this.)
*Follow our Facebook page too for more giveaway opportunities!

Happy Birthday Momma!!!

Today is my Momma's Birthday. I wish she were here to celebrate it with her. She passed away Jan. 5, 2003. I miss her so very much. Seems like my life has changed in so many ways since then. I could go on and on but I am starting to heal so I am not going to bring it all up again. I will say tho that it was the most wonderful thing ever having her as my Mom. She never ask for much and she gave way more than she had. I think it was my moms goal to make sure that everyone around her was happy and had what they needed way before she would ask. Actually I don't remember her ever asking for anything. I was truly BLESSED to have had her as my Mom!!!
I am making a special dinner tonight in her honor and then this week end I am going to have my family over and go to the cemetery to visit for a few. I want to take her something and then I will feel better. 
Seems like she is still here reminding me of things from time to time... I never had to write things down for later because she was the one that could give me the answers to most anything... actually it was her and my niece Chevon... both have gone from this earth but they are still here in my heart. Although I sure miss them and their wit... Anyway I don't have a lot of time but I wanted to tell my Mom Happy Birthday... Love & Miss you more than words can describe!!! <3

Monday night... Blah...Blah....Blah.....

Gosh today has been one of those days... nothing seemed to go right. Our puppy had surgery on his face last Thursday and as luck would have it a seroma formed and this morning it exploded... I was letting him out of his night kennel this morning to go outside and he stopped and poof... it sprayed all over... I can only imagine how it must have felt with the pressure built up to make that kind of mess... poor little guy. Anyway, I had to leave him at the vet again tonight... sure hope he gets better now that he's had all this going on.
To make things worse I am having a hard time this year with sinus issues. can't seem to get it to completely clear up. I feel pretty good for a few days and then BAM it comes right back... Why is that????
I decided I want to get a part time job... doing what I have no idea but something. I think there has to be something out there I can do. Just have no idea what that might be... All I know is being a scrub tech... love doing that but my back could never handle doing that again. I think it was the most fulfilling job anyone could ever have... and I was lucky to have done that job for 18 years. It seemed like I had just started when I left. I really miss being involved in some really amazing procedures over the course of those years. Truly amazing!!! I gave up so much for the job but I hope in the long run my family will know that I did it all for them. I wanted them to see that if you wanted to you could do anything in life. I for goodness sake went from being a nearly drop out to an honor student in college. I wanted them to see that if I worked hard they would understand they also could do the same thing and live a comfortable life with their families. I don't know if they see it as I had wanted them to but maybe someday they will.
I have been preparing for an upcoming crop in November. I have been selecting all the things I need for specific pages that I want to work on. I realized that I missed so many things. I pray that my sons understand why I worked so hard... it was all for them. They are my world... my husband is everything to me...I wanted to help him be able to give our sons the things we never had when we were growing up.
Gosh, I can see that this is going to be another night of no sleep. I have the hardest time closing my eyes... so afraid of the dark... seems like I would be over that by now... guess I will be for the rest of my life... LOL me of all people afraid of the dark... I bet there are some that would get a real kick out of that statement...I know I actually do. Until next time... have a great evening...

Fun filled day with Hubby...

Today I spent a big amount of it with my hubby at Menards & Home Depot looking for a few things to do a few projects. I decided about a month ago to take the wall paper down in the bathroom on the main floor in my house. Needless to say I could not decide what color to pain, what if any wallpaper/border to put up... so I waited. We also have been trying to decide if we want to stay in this wonderful & beautiful home I have & have loved or if we are going to put it up for sale and find a "much" smaller one. Our sons are all out on their own and we really don't need a home this big... but do we want to leave. Big decisions to make, but in the mean time I decided to paint and make a few changes. We have not updated in a few years so I wanted a fresh look. I ended up with paint, a border, a light fixture and a mirror for the bathroom. I bet you are wondering why the mirror... well the one in there had a special meaning & I won't be leaving it. I didn't have a light above it because it was so big, there wasn't room for it, so it is going to be like a total redo for it.
I actually have my eye on a smaller house, but just not sure about all of it just yet.
So with all that said I better get to sleep so I can get up and get busy with the second coat of paint so it will be dry so I can get the mirror up and have my hubby hang the light and then if I can I would like to put the border up. I am guessing it won't be until Wed. for that but I can be hopeful ... right... if I ever get the pic issue resolved I will post pics when it's done. Good night all...

Just a thought...

I came across a video on a friends blog tonight and it made me think about my life and it's richness. I have been having a very hard time for the past year. Things come and they go but sometimes when they go it is just to much to handle.
I slipped into a "severe" depression for several months. I separated myself from my friends, family and everything that made sense to me. I wanted to be left alone and didn't want to be alone all at the same time. I was so afraid of everything, getting close to someone ... gosh, I was afraid that if I cared to much that I would loose them. I lost my Mother, a few months later my Grand-Father, My Grand-Mother soon after and if that wasn't enough I had to give up my job that I worked so hard to get to where I wanted to be and a job that I very much loved due to a back injury. Then shortly after these things I lost another person dear to my heart. I am getting better but I am still afraid to go to sleep. I am so afraid of the death and I know that in time it has to be easier... and actually it is getting better, I don't think about it as often. I don't leave my house very often. I don't travel much anymore and sometimes it is just so hard to get up and to face the day. But I force myself to do it everyday. I know that God is with me, I can feel his presence but I am so filled with feelings I find hard to explain ... I am not ready to allow him to heal me. I want to but I can't figure out how to get there.
I am married to an incredible man, he is patient, kind, and for the strangest reason has not walked away from me. I don't know if he loves me or if it's just habit that keeps him here but I sure am glad that he is.
I struggle with so many things, funny I have been told that I appear to be one of the strongest people, but if they could only see me from my eyes. I show confidence, strength, determination but actually I don't feel that I have any of these things on board.
I cherish my husbands family but they don't feel the same toward me. I wish they could feel the way I feel... they simply tolerate me. I secretly drive myself over the edge each and every time I am expected to go to a family function because I know they would probably rather I not be there. I guess it isn't what they say it is how they say it that hurts the most. I shouldn't say all of them but the majority do feel this way... I hope that someday it might change. I have only been in this family for just under 30 years so there is still hope... right.
I keep telling myself that be thankful and praise God for every day and every moment because life is so short and after watching the video( I think it was "My New Life") it just confirms that somehow I have to get the strength and courage to face my fears and find my way back to ME.
With all of this said that is my challenge to myself to make baby steps and do something each day that is a step toward being me again...
Until next time... good night all...