Wednesday we went to see the surgeon. After doing the proctoscope he said things were looking pretty good. He still wont commit to anything so I still am not at ease, but I am trying to be positive and push all of the what if's away. I have always een a constant worrier and it has gotten so much worse these days.
So surgery for the Low Anterior and the Illiostomy ( this is like a colostomy bag ) is set for the 29th of June. He will be in the hospital for week or so. About 4 weeks after surgery he will begin the chemotherapy again. And about 3 months or so he will have the illiostomy reversed. The section of colon and rectum that is being removed will go to pathology and the report from the results will be back in 5-6 days after the surgery. At that time we will find out the stage and what we are up against from sure. Part of me wants to know and part of me is like nope, as long as he is doing ok I don't need to know... but anyone that does know me knows that I don't work that way... I need to know everything....
So until the 29th he can do whatever he wants and just forget about everything...
So, that's what I am going to attempt to do...
Love to all <3...
Friday, May 20, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
It's getting closer...
Last night was a very bad night, did alot of crying, alot of feeling sorry for what may or may not happen... Bottom line here is I can not do anything to change anything... as much as I want to i realize all of this is so far out of my hands. I would erase it all if I could but the reality like it or not I can do nothing, nothing at all!!! I know life will change for my hubby, and for me as well, we have been through lots of ups & downs and will probable have many more to come. I wish things were different I wish it with all of my heart, but I can not change a thing...
Anyone that knows me at all knows that I am the type of person that feels like i need all of my ducks in a row and when they r not i am rather freaked out by that.
But I will get through this and so will my DH... We have to!!!
More to come... Thanks for allowing me the vent time... LOVE TO ALL <3
Anyone that knows me at all knows that I am the type of person that feels like i need all of my ducks in a row and when they r not i am rather freaked out by that.
But I will get through this and so will my DH... We have to!!!
More to come... Thanks for allowing me the vent time... LOVE TO ALL <3
Just feelings...
Can I speak honestly with you, Hell, I don't even know who you are if there is a you...
I am scared to death... the man I have spent the biggest part of my life with is sick, he has rectal cancer.
Before i start I want to make one thing perfectly clear... This isn't about me but rather about my feelings concerning the circumstances surrounding me...
Ok, I know it is one of the most curable cancers, but it doesn't make any difference to me, as, I am afraid. I have tried to speak candidly with my sons, they don't want to hear what I feel, they tell me to "be optimistic", "I don't want to think about it", or simply just doesn't come around. See, the thing is, I am so afraid...
I know it shoulda been me n not him and i am not saying this in a pathetic way but in a metaphoric way because he is the better of the 2 of us. He has so many that care about him... I have no one but him n the boys and frankly they'd be ok if it were me, but he is so close to them, he does so much for & with them, me I am in their way, it has been said the I am "crazy, nosy,one that was never around and i am sure many other things...
BUT, he is a great man!! I am so lucky he choose me. I ask myself all the time why he would have wanted me... I can't come up with a single reason.
BUT him, he is a great man! He does everything for me... I mean everything. He has provided so many things that I would never have ever had, he takes care me in every way possible. He has made so many sacrifices and I doubt that I have ever sacrificed a thing.
I just don't know what to do to stop thinking about things...
Maybe the guys are right and I am crazy,
BUT I am a scared to pieces crazy wife n mother.
The reason my sons and their families think I am crazy or nosy is simply I care n love each of them more than my own life. I mean that ...
I tried to work hard n give them the work ethic that I thought would be a good example for them to follow and be proud of. Instead, I worked n missed them growing up...I can't turn time back n so I ask them whatcha doin , or where ya goin, not because I really want to know I am just trying to be part of their lives and to them that is nosy... I can't win...
So, I try not to ask anymore... then I feel like I don't care... BUT, I sure do care!!!
My husband has just finished his chemo n radiation a few weeks ago, he is feeling great, he is going to have to have surgery and will have an illiostomy for a few months and that's ok... I don't care as long as I have him, I love him with all of my heart n soul, for richer , for poorer, in sickness & health...
he has always been there for me n now it's my turn to give back what he has done for me... believe me it has been so very much! I would take my last breath if that meant he would be ok...
I know in my heart he is going to be fine, I know this... but the deal is this, he had many tests done & they were all inconclusive for this tumor to be staged, so I can't rest until I know it didn't penetrate the rectal wall or involve the nodes.
When I know it didn't do either of these things then I will be able to breath and plan our future together for the next bazillion years. We have never had a chance to live together without any kids, not ever, we had our first son when we were still at my mothers, we were remodeling our 1st home, from then on we have always had one of our sons here. I love having them, but I am looking so forward to us starting our lives together and growing old together, watching our children and their children grow old...
So, out of all of this I am so afraid... I am really afraid... because the man I love is sick...
Thanks for allowing me to vent for a few moments... Love to all <3
I am scared to death... the man I have spent the biggest part of my life with is sick, he has rectal cancer.
Before i start I want to make one thing perfectly clear... This isn't about me but rather about my feelings concerning the circumstances surrounding me...
Ok, I know it is one of the most curable cancers, but it doesn't make any difference to me, as, I am afraid. I have tried to speak candidly with my sons, they don't want to hear what I feel, they tell me to "be optimistic", "I don't want to think about it", or simply just doesn't come around. See, the thing is, I am so afraid...
I know it shoulda been me n not him and i am not saying this in a pathetic way but in a metaphoric way because he is the better of the 2 of us. He has so many that care about him... I have no one but him n the boys and frankly they'd be ok if it were me, but he is so close to them, he does so much for & with them, me I am in their way, it has been said the I am "crazy, nosy,one that was never around and i am sure many other things...
BUT, he is a great man!! I am so lucky he choose me. I ask myself all the time why he would have wanted me... I can't come up with a single reason.
BUT him, he is a great man! He does everything for me... I mean everything. He has provided so many things that I would never have ever had, he takes care me in every way possible. He has made so many sacrifices and I doubt that I have ever sacrificed a thing.
I just don't know what to do to stop thinking about things...
Maybe the guys are right and I am crazy,
BUT I am a scared to pieces crazy wife n mother.
The reason my sons and their families think I am crazy or nosy is simply I care n love each of them more than my own life. I mean that ...
I tried to work hard n give them the work ethic that I thought would be a good example for them to follow and be proud of. Instead, I worked n missed them growing up...I can't turn time back n so I ask them whatcha doin , or where ya goin, not because I really want to know I am just trying to be part of their lives and to them that is nosy... I can't win...
So, I try not to ask anymore... then I feel like I don't care... BUT, I sure do care!!!
My husband has just finished his chemo n radiation a few weeks ago, he is feeling great, he is going to have to have surgery and will have an illiostomy for a few months and that's ok... I don't care as long as I have him, I love him with all of my heart n soul, for richer , for poorer, in sickness & health...
he has always been there for me n now it's my turn to give back what he has done for me... believe me it has been so very much! I would take my last breath if that meant he would be ok...
I know in my heart he is going to be fine, I know this... but the deal is this, he had many tests done & they were all inconclusive for this tumor to be staged, so I can't rest until I know it didn't penetrate the rectal wall or involve the nodes.
When I know it didn't do either of these things then I will be able to breath and plan our future together for the next bazillion years. We have never had a chance to live together without any kids, not ever, we had our first son when we were still at my mothers, we were remodeling our 1st home, from then on we have always had one of our sons here. I love having them, but I am looking so forward to us starting our lives together and growing old together, watching our children and their children grow old...
So, out of all of this I am so afraid... I am really afraid... because the man I love is sick...
Thanks for allowing me to vent for a few moments... Love to all <3
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