Just a thought...

I came across a video on a friends blog tonight and it made me think about my life and it's richness. I have been having a very hard time for the past year. Things come and they go but sometimes when they go it is just to much to handle.
I slipped into a "severe" depression for several months. I separated myself from my friends, family and everything that made sense to me. I wanted to be left alone and didn't want to be alone all at the same time. I was so afraid of everything, getting close to someone ... gosh, I was afraid that if I cared to much that I would loose them. I lost my Mother, a few months later my Grand-Father, My Grand-Mother soon after and if that wasn't enough I had to give up my job that I worked so hard to get to where I wanted to be and a job that I very much loved due to a back injury. Then shortly after these things I lost another person dear to my heart. I am getting better but I am still afraid to go to sleep. I am so afraid of the death and I know that in time it has to be easier... and actually it is getting better, I don't think about it as often. I don't leave my house very often. I don't travel much anymore and sometimes it is just so hard to get up and to face the day. But I force myself to do it everyday. I know that God is with me, I can feel his presence but I am so filled with feelings I find hard to explain ... I am not ready to allow him to heal me. I want to but I can't figure out how to get there.
I am married to an incredible man, he is patient, kind, and for the strangest reason has not walked away from me. I don't know if he loves me or if it's just habit that keeps him here but I sure am glad that he is.
I struggle with so many things, funny I have been told that I appear to be one of the strongest people, but if they could only see me from my eyes. I show confidence, strength, determination but actually I don't feel that I have any of these things on board.
I cherish my husbands family but they don't feel the same toward me. I wish they could feel the way I feel... they simply tolerate me. I secretly drive myself over the edge each and every time I am expected to go to a family function because I know they would probably rather I not be there. I guess it isn't what they say it is how they say it that hurts the most. I shouldn't say all of them but the majority do feel this way... I hope that someday it might change. I have only been in this family for just under 30 years so there is still hope... right.
I keep telling myself that be thankful and praise God for every day and every moment because life is so short and after watching the video( I think it was "My New Life") it just confirms that somehow I have to get the strength and courage to face my fears and find my way back to ME.
With all of this said that is my challenge to myself to make baby steps and do something each day that is a step toward being me again...
Until next time... good night all...