DH is home n doing very well...

Got my hubby home on the 4th of July. He has had very little pain and is up n around without many problems. He/we finally were told his tumor is staged at a 3. I know this is not a death sentence but the thing is... is there a cancer rem-net lingering behind waiting to strike again. Yes, I know the Dr.'s will be watching very closely so that if it does pop back out somewhere we can once again be ready to take the appropriate course of action. So I am going to be looking for a 2nd opinion on his chemo that should begin in 4 weeks or so.
Besides this things are not going very well. I can not get Nick to understand that his dad needs uninterrupted sleep and when he comes in at 3 am and is talking n laughing that is not really a very nice thing. Gloria is so mean to me n got loud with me... threw out threats and well, frankly it just wore me out. They make it sound like they do so much n we r not appreciative n we do nothing in return. Gosh, I just don't know what to say anymore. things r pretty bad here right now n I don't really know what to say or do anymore. if I could walk away from it I would... I really feel like I can do nothing right at all... there are other issues besides the noise but I try to just ignore it... but as anyone knows it builds up.
Josh, is even harsh towards me. I think they think I am in their way n I create drama in their life so I guess the answer is to keep quiet , stay out of site n do whatever my hubby needs n not get in their way when they r here... i am so sad that they feel so strongly towards me... I have tried to be a good parent but I guess they see it otherwise. I think when it is a better time I need to change things... maybe they will notice but I bet they won't even notice at all. These things are heavy on my mind and it is so hard...
Well enough about me n my problems... just needed to vent a little... it is going to be a bad day... i can feel it already........ :(

Surgery is fast approaching...

As I sit here I am pressed for the thoughts that are in my head... My DH is havin the tumor removed on Wed,the 29th. I know it is going to be a long day for him, I know he is going to go through so much and I am so afraid... I know in my heart that he is going to be fine afterwards but for so reason I just can't let myself relax, it seems that I have this little reservation that is holding me back. I know I am going to have many there to support him, I am not so sure about me... there some that believe nothing I say... if I say what a gorgeous day it might be they would tell me they think it is going to rain... so I am a little on edge knowing those will be there, but it is for him and I just need to focus on him... I know that I can do this. I care so deeply about this man I married 31 years ago that anything thrown my way will be ok, I know that "U" are there with me & somehow it will all work out. I can't even imagine my life without my DH... we have been together more than 1/2 of my life and since 2009 we have both been retired and we are together every single day... not often are we apart, so not havin him is NOT an option. We have had to work to keep things together... everyday is a new day so we try not to ever go to bed upset at each other... sometimes it is hard but we try to work it out before the day is over, because there are no guarantees that you can have another day to work it out. At the end of the day was it really that bad to allow you to get so upset... probably not...I guess where I was trying to go with all this is enjoy everyday, make as many memories as you can and never take advantage those that you love!! I remember thinking along time ago i didn't have anything to worry about because "he isn't going anywhere..." well, how naive I was to that way... goodness was I living in a bubble or what. Now I see the importance of always saying "I Love You " often... be appreciative of what others do for you and don't take for granted that you will have another chance...
I have lost people that were special to me, I didn't think it was ever going to happen to me... well it did! So, everyday I tell myself to be the best that I can...
I have made so many mistakes in my life, I am so far from perfect... I guess I have learned so many things from all of my flubs... I don't actually regret everything but maybe I wish I would have approached a few things a little differently but do I regret them ... no. I have tried to make peace with myself and move forward and be a better person. I know that only I am accountable for the things I do, so if I can live with whatever I decide to do, then I am ok... I give everything to God and I pray that by choosing to follow his words i know everything is going to be ok..
I go side tracked there for a few but bottom line is I Love My DH & I ask for everyone to say a prayer for him as he is going into the next step in his journey. I pray for his pain to be minimal, I pray for the tumor to be removed with out any complications, I pray for his recovery to be fast and smooth, I pray that he can get through the changes and be able to do what is a head of him... I thanks each of you that has already said a prayer, given him a thought...I pray for continued support for him and for the love from God to get us through this difficult time... Love to all...
I will post again after his surgery to let everyone know how things go.(((HUGS)))

I Know It Was U...

Today as I was working around the house I felt like someone was the with me.
I continued on working, doing my housework, laundry...as I scurried around I continued to feel something... I felt the presence of someone, but I was home alone... I tried to ignore the feeling, but the harder I tried the stronger the feeling. So, I decided to just talk... I talked about all the things that are weighing heavy on my mind. I mean I really talked, cried & talked some more. I was at one point waiting to get an answer to some of what I had said... I really thought I was going to get an answer... I guess I did because I began to feel so much easier, or shall i say less stressed and began to see things more of what they are and about to be. I was as if I were calmed, very hard to describe. I still have many things on my mind but today I talked to U, I think... actually I know that I can get through this that is in front of us ... because... I know it was you.... <3

We went to the Dr.

Wednesday we went to see the surgeon. After doing the proctoscope he said things were looking pretty good. He still wont commit to anything so I still am not at ease, but I am trying to be positive and push all of the what if's away. I have always een a constant worrier and it has gotten so much worse these days.
So surgery for the Low Anterior and the Illiostomy ( this is like a colostomy bag ) is set for the 29th of June. He will be in the hospital for week or so. About 4 weeks after surgery he will begin the chemotherapy again. And about 3 months or so he will have the illiostomy reversed. The section of colon and rectum that is being removed will go to pathology and the report from the results will be back in 5-6 days after the surgery. At that time we will find out the stage and what we are up against from sure. Part of me wants to know and part of me is like nope, as long as he is doing ok I don't need to know... but anyone that does know me knows that I don't work that way... I need to know everything....
So until the 29th he can do whatever he wants and just forget about everything...
So, that's what I am going to attempt to do...
Love to all <3...

It's getting closer...

Last night was a very bad night, did alot of crying, alot of feeling sorry for what may or may not happen... Bottom line here is I can not do anything to change anything... as much as I want to i realize all of this is so far out of my hands. I would erase it all if I could but the reality like it or not I can do nothing, nothing at all!!! I know life will change for my hubby, and for me as well, we have been through lots of ups & downs and will probable have many more to come. I wish things were different I wish it with all of my heart, but I can not change a thing...
Anyone that knows me at all knows that I am the type of person that feels like i need all of my ducks in a row and when they r not i am rather freaked out by that.
But I will get through this and so will my DH... We have to!!!
More to come... Thanks for allowing me the vent time... LOVE TO ALL <3

Just feelings...

Can I speak honestly with you, Hell, I don't even know who you are if there is a you...
I am scared to death... the man I have spent the biggest part of my life with is sick, he has rectal cancer.
Before i start I want to make one thing perfectly clear... This isn't about me but rather about my feelings concerning the circumstances surrounding me...
Ok, I know it is one of the most curable cancers, but it doesn't make any difference to me, as, I am afraid. I have tried to speak candidly with my sons, they don't want to hear what I feel, they tell me to "be optimistic", "I don't want to think about it", or simply just doesn't come around. See, the thing is, I am so afraid...
I know it shoulda been me n not him and i am not saying this in a pathetic way but in a metaphoric way because he is the better of the 2 of us. He has so many that care about him... I have no one but him n the boys and frankly they'd be ok if it were me, but he is so close to them, he does so much for & with them, me I am in their way, it has been said the I am "crazy, nosy,one that was never around and i am sure many other things...
BUT, he is a great man!! I am so lucky he choose me. I ask myself all the time why he would have wanted me... I can't come up with a single reason.
BUT him, he is a great man! He does everything for me... I mean everything. He has provided so many things that I would never have ever had, he takes care me in every way possible. He has made so many sacrifices and I doubt that I have ever sacrificed a thing.
I just don't know what to do to stop thinking about things...
Maybe the guys are right and I am crazy,
BUT I am a scared to pieces crazy wife n mother.
The reason my sons and their families think I am crazy or nosy is simply I care n love each of them more than my own life. I mean that ...
I tried to work hard n give them the work ethic that I thought would be a good example for them to follow and be proud of. Instead, I worked n missed them growing up...I can't turn time back n so I ask them whatcha doin , or where ya goin, not because I really want to know I am just trying to be part of their lives and to them that is nosy... I can't win...
So, I try not to ask anymore... then I feel like I don't care... BUT, I sure do care!!!
My husband has just finished his chemo n radiation a few weeks ago, he is feeling great, he is going to have to have surgery and will have an illiostomy for a few months and that's ok... I don't care as long as I have him, I love him with all of my heart n soul, for richer , for poorer, in sickness & health...
he has always been there for me n now it's my turn to give back what he has done for me... believe me it has been so very much! I would take my last breath if that meant he would be ok...
I know in my heart he is going to be fine, I know this... but the deal is this, he had many tests done & they were all inconclusive for this tumor to be staged, so I can't rest until I know it didn't penetrate the rectal wall or involve the nodes.
When I know it didn't do either of these things then I will be able to breath and plan our future together for the next bazillion years. We have never had a chance to live together without any kids, not ever, we had our first son when we were still at my mothers, we were remodeling our 1st home, from then on we have always had one of our sons here. I love having them, but I am looking so forward to us starting our lives together and growing old together, watching our children and their children grow old...
So, out of all of this I am so afraid... I am really afraid... because the man I love is sick...
Thanks for allowing me to vent for a few moments... Love to all <3

Wanting to do some scrapbooking....

Yesterday I went to a girls afternoon out. I did a page before leaving to go home to be with my hubby. As I have said he has cancer. He will likely be ok but there is that thought in the back of my mind that things may not end well. I pray that it will and in my heart I am sure he will be. The way I see it he can not escape the cancer, he doesn't get An afternoon away from it so I feel very guilty when I get to "get away" so I rarely leave his side I will be there through it all. I may not like some aspects of it but like it or not I will be right here for him. I said in sickness & in health so those words mean something to me and I will do whatever to honor those few little words. I have been with him for 30+ years and plan on many more. This is just a little hiccup for us to get through.
I do miss scrapbooking but to be honest I really was having a hard time getting into the swing of it. I have so many pages to do to get caught up on but there will be time for that later... be time later I guess... Marisa is young and I should be able to stay close to her events... Lol, at least I hope anyway! I will try to upload my page ... I have been trying to put things upnand have had trouble but I will keep trying. Love to all...

So much has happened in the past few months...

Since I have been on last so many things have been going on...
Feb. 10th my husband went in for a routine colonoscopy... the Dr. came out after and I expected him to tell me everything was fine and he'd see us next time... well that was not what happened at all. My worst fears came true... he found a TUMOR in the rectum. It's about 10-15 cm up inside the rectum. We were schedule for a battery of diagnostic aids to try to stage the tumor. All were inconclusive... the tumor is situated in such a way they were not able to visualize the wall to see if it had penetrated through that wall. So, he is currently going through chemo & radiation to shrink the size of the tumor so that when the surgeon does the low anterior bowel resection it will be easier to get at it with the size significantly reduced.
Soooo, he is now into the 3rd week of treatment, he has 2 more weeks of chemo and 3 weeks of radiation. After the Surgeon and the chemo/radiation Dr. will decide when the surgery will be done... We are on just a wait n see day by day until the treatments are completed.
I pray every single day that he will be ok and we will be able to move forward and continue on with all of our plans for our future...
But for now.... we wait....

 

2011.... Can you believe it...

Well it is now officially 2011!! What I wonder is where the heck has the time gone. Seems like yesterday I was still in high school & that was back in the "70"s. Then I got married & started my family... that was in the "80"s. Sent my sons off to school watch them grow & become wonderful young men. Now I have a wonderful grand daughter from my oldest. My second son is married, starting his own family doesn't leave time for us. My youngest son is in college & will be graduating next year. Myself & my husband are home together everyday being that he is retired and I can no longer do my job as a surgical tech due to a back injury. We are thinking about going to Florida in the winter months. I find every year it gets harder to deal with the cold weather.
I was ask what my new years resolution was going to be this year... well my answer to that is... I refuse to make one because I never can stick to it. I figure that if I just do the right thing everyday and am accountable for my actions that would be the best resolution for me because I know that is something I can actually stick to.
My shoulder is doing better everyday... had I known how bad this was going to be I wouldn't have done it ... it has been by far the worst thing ever... having a baby was way easier!!! It still aches and is uncomfortable but each day it gets a little easier.
Well enough for today... chat again later...