Just feelings...

Can I speak honestly with you, Hell, I don't even know who you are if there is a you...
I am scared to death... the man I have spent the biggest part of my life with is sick, he has rectal cancer.
Before i start I want to make one thing perfectly clear... This isn't about me but rather about my feelings concerning the circumstances surrounding me...
Ok, I know it is one of the most curable cancers, but it doesn't make any difference to me, as, I am afraid. I have tried to speak candidly with my sons, they don't want to hear what I feel, they tell me to "be optimistic", "I don't want to think about it", or simply just doesn't come around. See, the thing is, I am so afraid...
I know it shoulda been me n not him and i am not saying this in a pathetic way but in a metaphoric way because he is the better of the 2 of us. He has so many that care about him... I have no one but him n the boys and frankly they'd be ok if it were me, but he is so close to them, he does so much for & with them, me I am in their way, it has been said the I am "crazy, nosy,one that was never around and i am sure many other things...
BUT, he is a great man!! I am so lucky he choose me. I ask myself all the time why he would have wanted me... I can't come up with a single reason.
BUT him, he is a great man! He does everything for me... I mean everything. He has provided so many things that I would never have ever had, he takes care me in every way possible. He has made so many sacrifices and I doubt that I have ever sacrificed a thing.
I just don't know what to do to stop thinking about things...
Maybe the guys are right and I am crazy,
BUT I am a scared to pieces crazy wife n mother.
The reason my sons and their families think I am crazy or nosy is simply I care n love each of them more than my own life. I mean that ...
I tried to work hard n give them the work ethic that I thought would be a good example for them to follow and be proud of. Instead, I worked n missed them growing up...I can't turn time back n so I ask them whatcha doin , or where ya goin, not because I really want to know I am just trying to be part of their lives and to them that is nosy... I can't win...
So, I try not to ask anymore... then I feel like I don't care... BUT, I sure do care!!!
My husband has just finished his chemo n radiation a few weeks ago, he is feeling great, he is going to have to have surgery and will have an illiostomy for a few months and that's ok... I don't care as long as I have him, I love him with all of my heart n soul, for richer , for poorer, in sickness & health...
he has always been there for me n now it's my turn to give back what he has done for me... believe me it has been so very much! I would take my last breath if that meant he would be ok...
I know in my heart he is going to be fine, I know this... but the deal is this, he had many tests done & they were all inconclusive for this tumor to be staged, so I can't rest until I know it didn't penetrate the rectal wall or involve the nodes.
When I know it didn't do either of these things then I will be able to breath and plan our future together for the next bazillion years. We have never had a chance to live together without any kids, not ever, we had our first son when we were still at my mothers, we were remodeling our 1st home, from then on we have always had one of our sons here. I love having them, but I am looking so forward to us starting our lives together and growing old together, watching our children and their children grow old...
So, out of all of this I am so afraid... I am really afraid... because the man I love is sick...
Thanks for allowing me to vent for a few moments... Love to all <3